doubt.

there has been alot going on lately. i was awake till 1am because i watch a movie documentary about lives of gay people here in the philippines, the title was duda:doubt.

although the plot was kinda flimsy and revolves in the life of two lovers and the opinions of their friends about their relationship, it was a good movie.

with the vivid reality of gay life, the scenarios being seen in bars, personal life and the lustful sex…i find it very confusing of what is “love” for them is. it actually implies “doubt” if their term for love is right and correct.

it was kinda interesting seeing naked men moving along puerto galera…in the eerie night fulfilling thei lustful dillema over other guys and gays. i wonder what would that be like…hehehe. i dont have enough courage to do that…wahehe…YUCKS.

one thing i learned about this movie, sex is really enticing and is capable of making the meanings of some things thwarted and confusing. life may give us different means to discover things and it can also make us believe things and yet, it’s wrong.

i believe, that gay life is bad. though torn between doing straight life and this one, i’d rather choose the straight..not just because it is the right thing to do, but we were created to be partners not with other men, but with women.

even during before and after the fall,life has become unfair,both men look for love in the wrong places…and so does women. i even wonder sometimes, why do i feel this way? how come i love to share about waiting for true love and yet, i play with other men?

it has been quite a struggle…and i always wanted to understand why? maybe the answers are not meant for me to find out…maybe, the answers arejust behind the corner…perhaps, it has been answered..i’m just too blinded to see it.

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whazzup???

I just finished making my resume for a job in cebu. i am not really sure ig i’d get the job but i’m trying.

it would be a new experience and it would really be a great help for my family.

for now, since i am not in school, i try to finance myself with working different jobs, if it so happened that i am accepted to this job, it’ll be the 4th job i am into in a span of two years.

hehehe…it’s great to work in different jobs. it’s an experience and it’s i think good for me.

ttyl.

ciao.

up ahead?

months before i have decided to plan ahead for a mission trip for thailand next summertime. it’s a good plan. but the question now is, is it God’s plan?

when i was able to take some time to talk with our staffworker about the plan again, she said that the date was move a month after, making it in a school day instead of the said plan of may. was it coincidence or just a deprived opportunity?

alot of questions again…and i think, this is really crazy. but making a decision to take the opportunity over the chance to go back to school is a big problem. i love both and i couldn’t just look over the other and say yes to either one. my mind is fuzzed if this opportunity really is for me or not. it was i who was part of the first few who said about having thailand. i love to go there and experience missions cross-culturally.

but maybe it’s because my intentions are really not that good and maybe in line with God’s intentions. i am not asking for this opportunity to really share and work with the “m’s”. mine is just for the heck of going there and trying to experience life outside the philiipines for a month…and make the most of what i learned for exposures’ sake and not God’s.

but even before the time i was thinking these over, i saw the problem of going in may, i might have no time for enrollment and i couldn’t just relax again for another six months for an exposure trip to another country…that would be intentional, if i may say.

so, right now, i will decide which course to take…i do hope this is right, but i also hope it is inclined with God’s plan for me and not just my own self will.

here goes, i will not go to thailand because it is an opportunity that would block my coming back to college… i need to sacrifice my dream to be able to finish my schooling…if the Lord permits, i will really have an exposure to another country someday, i pray that the Lord will honor this desire and decision.

this time, i am thinking clearly.

The Purpose?

when life falls apart, do i have to share it to everyone?

our life has been an open book to our friends…they know our ups and downs…turmoils and pains..joys…desires and even hope.

we always share life because we believe that we are encouraging people through what we have gone through and what we have learned in our life’s journey.

but is the part where everything is dimmmed be part of it? i was asked by our staffworker if i am willing to publish the article/reflection i made for our camp. many were being opened and revealed there that needs to be known only to the circle of few…of almost 45 people only. but would that hinders of what message may it bring?

i am torn between having the shame and the “eyes” of many as they read what i have made…is this part of the sacrifice to enlighten someone?

i believe that i should include it because it gives me the sense that what i have passed is complete and real. that it depicts the real me and the dillemas i am facing.

on the other hand, i am closing in to thinking that life may be peaceful when people across the globe couldn’t read about that part in my life.

what then should i do?

“Lord, of what purpose does this decision has? i am torn because both have the good effect…but of which one is better than the other? may the choice i make honors you and may the message you entails with it become the purpose of why you allowed me to choose over the other…amen…”

Cry out:

there has been so much workloads for the past one month that i have no time to seat and just write something of what is happening to me…to mention, of what lessons i am learning and failures i had gone through.

just one thought: God is good.

in the midst of the storm, there is this light that shines through, the hope to cling on and definitely, the strength to move and continue. i had many mistakes, and i have, to mention fallen again and again, emotionally. i really regret doing this, because of my own self-centered “know-how’s” i have gone to the edge of giving the wrong signals instead of the positive ones. amazing how life can be. life rocks when we fail! and when it falls, it hurts! (sometimes not to me, but to the other person more.)

i am now convinced, that when we do things, even if it has a good cause, we should do it in the terms of God’s strength and wisdom, and not ours. we would fail somehow, and it might be better to understand this, we fail to learn to work in the mantle of his grace and to let God work in us, using His hands through ours.

for now, i am more grateful that the Lord has given me this time, a listening heart and a mind to understand things that he is telling me…i might be stubborn sometimes, but at least…am trying my best to change my mind…and do the right thing.

i would lead worship tomorrow, i just wanted to write this part of my life to outpour this before Him and to anyone who’s reading. this is my cry for help and a cry for wisdom…i know the Lord would do something great and wonderful and i just wanted to unburden myself so that He can fill me up and move me to another place…to the inner room at the temple..where i am to meet him face to face…

“Father, amazing how love in your terms are different and vast than ours…yours is much deeper and more honest, more inclined for us rather than yours…i am amazed again and again on how, a supreme being would hold a frail man like me, and would take anything into consideration just not to let me fall and stumble…thank you, that you are preparing my heart for the breakthrough…and here i am, ready to take it because it is not about me, and what i can do, because it is all about YOU…Amen.”

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Exhibit A

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