I want to just scream, burst every frustrating words I could utter and just disregard how others may react to what I said. But yeah, I’m not like that and even if I wanted to, I end up lurking in my room and not talk about it.
Bearing responsibilities which are supposed not for me to keep is what pisses me off. Just imagine having to do stuff because they have decided it for you instead of you making your own choices because it’s your money.
I love to help and with whole-hearted sincerity can do so many things but when you are forced to do it even if you don’t have the means to provide is another story.
How I wish it can be different again. Where the burden to provide is not on my shoulder and I can choose how I spend my money in what I feel is important for me.
Whew, at least that’s out of my system right now. I can’t bear to see my nieces and nephews suffer for some decisions my sister did in the past. And I don’t want to blurt her mistakes in front of them either.
When these emotions subsides, it still goes back to the reality of doing it out of love, kindness and sincerity. It is a promise I’ve kept for these four kids to myself.
And even if I’m going to be mad about it again and again, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to buy these stuff for them. Hays, I guess I just wanted to be blunt about it and be at peace with it.
I am frustrated and finds it hard to accept the things that are going on. It’s like having to want to ignore these things and feel numb to whatever the outcome may be…but I guess, I am not like that.
May I have peace, self-control and patience to just say silent and be in control on how I talk and feel this time…amen”