It’s August 8, 2015 today and if I’m not mistaken, this marks the first year where I experienced one of the greatest challenges in my life – being admitted in the hospital. It has been a gruesome battle to overcome the fear of death, the reality of being sick and the mercy of God.
It was August 6, a Thursday back then when I was rushed to the hospital for hard-breathing, low heart rate and a pretty skinny face. I was injected more than 6 times to take some blood samples, checked with some apparatus and an oxygen tank on my side. I was not familiar with and stayed at the emergency room for a pretty much 10 hours before transferred to a private room while I wait for the results of the examinations.
After 12 hours of waiting, I got one of the hardest reality in my 31 years in life – I had severe community-acquired pneumonia. It was a battle I was not ready to face with less than 90% oxygen in the blood, a blood infection and a pretty bad lung capacity of just having one lube in my lungs working at 25%.
Looking back in what has happened made me see life in a different perspective. A life that led me to realize that my life was put on-hold, where I need to rely for someone’s hands to feed me, to take care of my needs and the cry to just move away from the sad situation.
One verse that helped me through the struggle is Isaiah 41:10 that says “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” This verse put in light my situation that God is in control and I hated him for that. At long last, I said it here aloud.
Although I’ve expressed my personal stand with my faith in Jesus, this is one truth that God has revealed in my life when I can’t get out of the hospital bed alone. It was the fear to put everything at risk to my Father’s hands. I know his hands are bigger and safer but my heart’s fear seems to be bigger than any verses or words of encouragement I could get directly from Him.
My stubborn self-will led me to my dilemma and the pride in my heart doesn’t want to accept it. But indeed, his grace is sufficient in all that we are. When I was at a lost, the Lord led me to my “desert” of depression. It was through a song that says “Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other. Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!” that brought me back to the truth that sets me free. He is in control and even when the darkest hour shows the storm up ahead, He is above and beyond the storm. He is in the “eye of the storm” where perfect peace is the center of it all.
The first time I was able to walk on my own, stand in worship at church all by myself and just raise my hands was through an old song I first led in worship that spoke of WHO HE IS – “Our God is an awesome GOD, HE REIGNS…”
Indeed, He reigns in my situation. I have recovered from that dreadful day and I have to say it was not an easy road to take. But one thing’s for sure, He still is in control and no fear of death nor what lies ahead can separate me from his love. This verse which I will end was one that reminds me that everything – even the storms in life is worth to return all glory and honor to him who is able to keep me from falling.
“Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,
To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.” – Apostle Jude, New Testament Author
Do I really hate God for what happened? I didn’t hate him for what happened, I hated myself for allowing it to happen and because of His love, grace and help from my family and friends that led me to repent and get back on track.
Be blessed in Christ Jesus our Lord!